Teach Girls to Handle Mean Girls (without becoming one)
APRIL 4th, 2023
Has your daughter been more withdrawn lately? Maybe her tummy hurts every morning, just before school. Perhaps she cries frequently and seemingly over nothing.
If any of these behaviors sound familiar, she might be the victim of relational bullying, also known as mean girl behavior.
Bullying is common. In a study undertaken by the Cartoon Network among over a thousand 9-12-year-olds, nearly 80% said they had exposure to some bullying: either as a target, aggressor, or witness.
An Oregon-based study of 12,000 elementary and middle school children reveals that 41 to 48% of girls experienced relational aggression in a typical month.
This article explores why some girls display mean girl behavior, and reveals some friendship red flags. We also explain how relational bullying can affect your child and how you can empower her to navigate toxic friendships while staying kind.
If any of these behaviors sound familiar, she might be the victim of relational bullying, also known as mean girl behavior.
Bullying is common. In a study undertaken by the Cartoon Network among over a thousand 9-12-year-olds, nearly 80% said they had exposure to some bullying: either as a target, aggressor, or witness.
An Oregon-based study of 12,000 elementary and middle school children reveals that 41 to 48% of girls experienced relational aggression in a typical month.
This article explores why some girls display mean girl behavior, and reveals some friendship red flags. We also explain how relational bullying can affect your child and how you can empower her to navigate toxic friendships while staying kind.
What is Mean Girl Behavior?
Girls who use friendship and social status to manipulate others conduct relational aggression or mean girl behavior.
Bullying expert Rosalind Wiseman coined the term ‘mean girls’ in her book: “Queen Bees and Wannabes.” She was the first to bring attention to a more subtle form of bullying than name-calling or physical attacks, and her book inspired Tina Fey to write the script for the Mean Girls film based on her high school experiences.
While boys wield the friendship weapon too, research among 7-10 year-olds shows that girls veer towards relational aggression, such as excluding others, gossiping, and rumor spreading. In contrast, boys often resort to physical violence and name-calling.
Research indicates boys tend to define themselves by personal traits, values, and preferences; girls may regard themselves in terms of relationships.
So why do girls show mean-girl behavior? There may be various explanations, however this study suggests girls might be mean to others to obtain a higher social status. And they do so because they're not getting along with their parents.
Mean girl behavior can be hard to spot because it’s insidious and doesn’t leave physical scars.
Bullying expert Rosalind Wiseman coined the term ‘mean girls’ in her book: “Queen Bees and Wannabes.” She was the first to bring attention to a more subtle form of bullying than name-calling or physical attacks, and her book inspired Tina Fey to write the script for the Mean Girls film based on her high school experiences.
While boys wield the friendship weapon too, research among 7-10 year-olds shows that girls veer towards relational aggression, such as excluding others, gossiping, and rumor spreading. In contrast, boys often resort to physical violence and name-calling.
Research indicates boys tend to define themselves by personal traits, values, and preferences; girls may regard themselves in terms of relationships.
So why do girls show mean-girl behavior? There may be various explanations, however this study suggests girls might be mean to others to obtain a higher social status. And they do so because they're not getting along with their parents.
Mean girl behavior can be hard to spot because it’s insidious and doesn’t leave physical scars.
Signe Whitson, a bullying prevention expert, outlines common mean-girl tactics:
- Excluding girls,
- Making fun of others,
- Following up a mean comment with ‘just joking,’
- Threatening to take friendship away (‘I won’t be your friend anymore if…’)
- Using the silent treatment,
- Encouraging others to gang up on girls,
- Cyberbullying,
- Spreading rumors.
Signs Your Daughter Might Be the Victim
Watch out for these red flags:
- Dreading going to school,
- Complaining about headaches and stomach aches,
- Finding sleeping difficult,
- Withdrawing from family
- Frequent crying spells,
- Struggling academically,
- Finding it hard to form healthy and balanced friendships.
If you suspect your daughter is a victim, what can you do?
Empower Your Daughter to Navigate Mean Girl Behavior
When your child tells you, in floods of tears, that her ‘friends’ have been excluding her, it’s hard to remain calm, especially when you remember the hurt of similar experiences.
Do try to stand back and listen without judgment to ascertain what happened. Relational bullying is rarely black and white, and she may have (unwittingly) done things others perceive as mean behavior.
There are always at least two sides, so listen carefully and don’t form any assumptions just because you know all the participants involved.
Should you intervene? Most experts think you should hang back to allow your daughter to become more resilient. Rachel Simmons, the founder of Girls Leadership and author, says: “Getting involved and fixing it should never be your first response,”
Here’s what to do instead:
Do try to stand back and listen without judgment to ascertain what happened. Relational bullying is rarely black and white, and she may have (unwittingly) done things others perceive as mean behavior.
There are always at least two sides, so listen carefully and don’t form any assumptions just because you know all the participants involved.
Should you intervene? Most experts think you should hang back to allow your daughter to become more resilient. Rachel Simmons, the founder of Girls Leadership and author, says: “Getting involved and fixing it should never be your first response,”
Here’s what to do instead:
Understand & Empathize
Pacer, the National Bullying Center advises parents to be compassionate and never dismissive; this way, your daughter will trust you and know home is a safe space.
Once you’re clear on the situation, empathize with your daughter. Explain why girls sometimes display mean girl behavior; maybe they want to belong to a group of friends who are unkind to others, they might be unaware of how their behavior makes others feel, or they could be having problems at home. (Read more on why girls bully here.)
Make her understand that even though sometimes people make mistakes, they still deserve our compassion and understanding.
Do stress that your daughter is not to blame, and tell her she’s not alone in this situation; you’ve got her back.
Once you’re clear on the situation, empathize with your daughter. Explain why girls sometimes display mean girl behavior; maybe they want to belong to a group of friends who are unkind to others, they might be unaware of how their behavior makes others feel, or they could be having problems at home. (Read more on why girls bully here.)
Make her understand that even though sometimes people make mistakes, they still deserve our compassion and understanding.
Do stress that your daughter is not to blame, and tell her she’s not alone in this situation; you’ve got her back.
Let Her Express Anger
“Anger is a normal, natural, human emotion,” Whitson explains, “yet many girls, from a very early age, are bombarded with the message that anger = bad... [which] makes it difficult for young girls to stop and say, ‘Hey. I don’t like the way you are treating me right now.’”
Tell her it’s ok to be angry. Roleplay, show her how to be angry effectively and deal with unhealthy behavior.
Tell her it’s ok to be angry. Roleplay, show her how to be angry effectively and deal with unhealthy behavior.
Teach Her to Show Strength
Demonstrate how she can stand up for herself and use humor to deflect a tricky situation. Signe Whitson advises using simple sentences like’ tell me when you get to the funny part’ or ‘knock it off.’
Be a Friendship Role Model
“Family is our first role model,” explains Candace Duane, school social worker at Fordline and Shelters elementary schools in Southgate. “They are who kids look to when developing basic social skills. So parents can help by modeling those character traits and behaviors that they hope to build in their children.”
Help your daughter by showing an interest in new people, empathizing with people, and never excluding anyone.
Help your daughter by showing an interest in new people, empathizing with people, and never excluding anyone.
Consider Whether Another Adult Should be Involved
Pacer recommends making an action plan with your daughter and figuring out if this includes involving another adult, be it a parent, a coach at a sports club, a counselor, or a teacher at the school.
These adults could help identify bullying behaviors and guide your daughter in making more social connections.
These adults could help identify bullying behaviors and guide your daughter in making more social connections.
Your daughter’s social world can be complex, but with some strategic parental intervention, you can help her navigate toxic friendships.
Teach Girls to Handle Mean Girls (without becoming one)
APRIL 4TH, 2023
Has your daughter been more withdrawn lately? Maybe her tummy hurts every morning, just before school. Perhaps she cries frequently and seemingly over nothing.
If any of these behaviors sound familiar, she might be the victim of relational bullying, also known as mean girl behavior.
Bullying is common. In a study undertaken by the Cartoon Network among over a thousand 9-12-year-olds, nearly 80% said they had exposure to some bullying: either as a target, aggressor, or witness.
An Oregon-based study of 12,000 elementary and middle school children reveals that 41 to 48% of girls experienced relational aggression in a typical month.
This article explores why some girls display mean girl behavior, and reveals some friendship red flags. We also explain how relational bullying can affect your child and how you can empower her to navigate toxic friendships while staying kind.
If any of these behaviors sound familiar, she might be the victim of relational bullying, also known as mean girl behavior.
Bullying is common. In a study undertaken by the Cartoon Network among over a thousand 9-12-year-olds, nearly 80% said they had exposure to some bullying: either as a target, aggressor, or witness.
An Oregon-based study of 12,000 elementary and middle school children reveals that 41 to 48% of girls experienced relational aggression in a typical month.
This article explores why some girls display mean girl behavior, and reveals some friendship red flags. We also explain how relational bullying can affect your child and how you can empower her to navigate toxic friendships while staying kind.
What is Mean Girl Behavior?
Girls who use friendship and social status to manipulate others conduct relational aggression or mean girl behavior.
Bullying expert Rosalind Wiseman coined the term ‘mean girls’ in her book: “Queen Bees and Wannabes.” She was the first to bring attention to a more subtle form of bullying than name-calling or physical attacks, and her book inspired Tina Fey to write the script for the Mean Girls film based on her high school experiences.
While boys wield the friendship weapon too, research among 7-10 year-olds shows that girls veer towards relational aggression, such as excluding others, gossiping, and rumor spreading. In contrast, boys often resort to physical violence and name-calling.
Research indicates boys tend to define themselves by personal traits, values, and preferences; girls may regard themselves in terms of relationships.
So why do girls show mean-girl behavior? There may be various explanations, however this study suggests girls might be mean to others to obtain a higher social status. And they do so because they're not getting along with their parents.
Mean girl behavior can be hard to spot because it’s insidious and doesn’t leave physical scars.
Bullying expert Rosalind Wiseman coined the term ‘mean girls’ in her book: “Queen Bees and Wannabes.” She was the first to bring attention to a more subtle form of bullying than name-calling or physical attacks, and her book inspired Tina Fey to write the script for the Mean Girls film based on her high school experiences.
While boys wield the friendship weapon too, research among 7-10 year-olds shows that girls veer towards relational aggression, such as excluding others, gossiping, and rumor spreading. In contrast, boys often resort to physical violence and name-calling.
Research indicates boys tend to define themselves by personal traits, values, and preferences; girls may regard themselves in terms of relationships.
So why do girls show mean-girl behavior? There may be various explanations, however this study suggests girls might be mean to others to obtain a higher social status. And they do so because they're not getting along with their parents.
Mean girl behavior can be hard to spot because it’s insidious and doesn’t leave physical scars.
Signe Whitson, a bullying prevention expert, outlines common mean-girl tactics:
- Excluding girls,
- Making fun of others,
- Following up a mean comment with ‘just joking,’
- Threatening to take friendship away (‘I won’t be your friend anymore if…’)
- Using the silent treatment,
- Encouraging others to gang up on girls,
- Cyberbullying,
- Spreading rumors.
Signs Your Daughter Might Be the Victim
Watch out for these red flags:
- Dreading going to school,
- Complaining about headaches and stomach aches,
- Finding sleeping difficult,
- Withdrawing from family
- Frequent crying spells,
- Struggling academically,
- Finding it hard to form healthy and balanced friendships.
If you suspect your daughter is a victim, what can you do?
Empower Your Daughter to Navigate Mean Girl Behavior
When your child tells you, in floods of tears, that her ‘friends’ have been excluding her, it’s hard to remain calm, especially when you remember the hurt of similar experiences.
Do try to stand back and listen without judgment to ascertain what happened. Relational bullying is rarely black and white, and she may have (unwittingly) done things others perceive as mean behavior.
There are always at least two sides, so listen carefully and don’t form any assumptions just because you know all the participants involved.
Should you intervene? Most experts think you should hang back to allow your daughter to become more resilient. Rachel Simmons, the founder of Girls Leadership and author, says: “Getting involved and fixing it should never be your first response,”
Here’s what to do instead:
Do try to stand back and listen without judgment to ascertain what happened. Relational bullying is rarely black and white, and she may have (unwittingly) done things others perceive as mean behavior.
There are always at least two sides, so listen carefully and don’t form any assumptions just because you know all the participants involved.
Should you intervene? Most experts think you should hang back to allow your daughter to become more resilient. Rachel Simmons, the founder of Girls Leadership and author, says: “Getting involved and fixing it should never be your first response,”
Here’s what to do instead:
Understand & Empathize
Pacer, the National Bullying Center advises parents to be compassionate and never dismissive; this way, your daughter will trust you and know home is a safe space.
Once you’re clear on the situation, empathize with your daughter. Explain why girls sometimes display mean girl behavior; maybe they want to belong to a group of friends who are unkind to others, they might be unaware of how their behavior makes others feel, or they could be having problems at home. (Read more on why girls bully here.)
Make her understand that even though sometimes people make mistakes, they still deserve our compassion and understanding.
Do stress that your daughter is not to blame, and tell her she’s not alone in this situation; you’ve got her back.
Once you’re clear on the situation, empathize with your daughter. Explain why girls sometimes display mean girl behavior; maybe they want to belong to a group of friends who are unkind to others, they might be unaware of how their behavior makes others feel, or they could be having problems at home. (Read more on why girls bully here.)
Make her understand that even though sometimes people make mistakes, they still deserve our compassion and understanding.
Do stress that your daughter is not to blame, and tell her she’s not alone in this situation; you’ve got her back.
Let Her Express Anger
“Anger is a normal, natural, human emotion,” Whitson explains, “yet many girls, from a very early age, are bombarded with the message that anger = bad... [which] makes it difficult for young girls to stop and say, ‘Hey. I don’t like the way you are treating me right now.’”
Tell her it’s ok to be angry. Roleplay, show her how to be angry effectively and deal with unhealthy behavior.
Tell her it’s ok to be angry. Roleplay, show her how to be angry effectively and deal with unhealthy behavior.
Teach Her to Show Strength
Demonstrate how she can stand up for herself and use humor to deflect a tricky situation. Signe Whitson advises using simple sentences like’ tell me when you get to the funny part’ or ‘knock it off.’
Be a Friendship Role Model
“Family is our first role model,” explains Candace Duane, school social worker at Fordline and Shelters elementary schools in Southgate. “They are who kids look to when developing basic social skills. So parents can help by modeling those character traits and behaviors that they hope to build in their children.”
Help your daughter by showing an interest in new people, empathizing with people, and never excluding anyone.
Help your daughter by showing an interest in new people, empathizing with people, and never excluding anyone.
Consider Whether Another Adult Should be Involved
Pacer recommends making an action plan with your daughter and figuring out if this includes involving another adult, be it a parent, a coach at a sports club, a counselor, or a teacher at the school.
These adults could help identify bullying behaviors and guide your daughter in making more social connections.
These adults could help identify bullying behaviors and guide your daughter in making more social connections.
Your daughter’s social world can be complex, but with some strategic parental intervention, you can help her navigate toxic friendships.