Teaching Girls the Importance of Consent and Boundaries At Any Age
OCTOBER 3RD, 2023
Of all the challenging topics parents aim to tackle with kids, consent is a particularly thorny one.
The legacy of #MeToo has left a strong link between consent and sex in parents’ minds, and while they want to protect children from abuse, they’re also careful not to shatter their innocence.
But considering around 1 in 4 girls¹ are sexually abused, and 91%¹ of perpetrators are someone trusted by the child or their family, it’s hardly surprising experts urge caregivers and teachers to teach consent from an early age.
Does this mean you have to give the ‘talk’? No, experts say teaching (and modeling) healthy boundary setting (in any situation), respect, and empathy will lay the groundwork for kids’ moral compasses.
How? Discover the best way to explain boundaries and consent to kids from preschoolers to tweens with our expert tips below.
The legacy of #MeToo has left a strong link between consent and sex in parents’ minds, and while they want to protect children from abuse, they’re also careful not to shatter their innocence.
But considering around 1 in 4 girls¹ are sexually abused, and 91%¹ of perpetrators are someone trusted by the child or their family, it’s hardly surprising experts urge caregivers and teachers to teach consent from an early age.
Does this mean you have to give the ‘talk’? No, experts say teaching (and modeling) healthy boundary setting (in any situation), respect, and empathy will lay the groundwork for kids’ moral compasses.
How? Discover the best way to explain boundaries and consent to kids from preschoolers to tweens with our expert tips below.
How Do We Define Consent and Boundaries?
Cornell Law School describes² consent as ‘a person voluntarily and willfully agreeing in response to another person’s proposition. The person who consents must possess sufficient mental capacity.’
When we teach consent, it’s helpful to think of it not in terms of sexual activity but in other situations, like playing games, hugging, and sharing pictures or information about somebody.
Think of consent in terms of respecting someone’s boundaries. According to the University of California, Berkeley³, ‘Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.’
When we teach consent, it’s helpful to think of it not in terms of sexual activity but in other situations, like playing games, hugging, and sharing pictures or information about somebody.
Think of consent in terms of respecting someone’s boundaries. According to the University of California, Berkeley³, ‘Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.’
Someone with healthy personal boundaries values their opinions, does not over or under share, and, crucially, accepts no from others in response to a request.³
Why Are Boundaries Important?
When we teach children how to develop healthy boundaries, they will learn to be safe, keep their dignity, and know why consent is essential in sexual relationships as they age.
Also, it’s worth noting that in the US, each state is in charge of its consent education, and most states do not require teaching consent in K-12 schools⁴.
Consider this: just 29 states and the District of Columbia have laws making teaching sex education mandatory⁵.
So now we’ve established why teaching boundaries and consent is necessary, let’s look at how best to do it.
Also, it’s worth noting that in the US, each state is in charge of its consent education, and most states do not require teaching consent in K-12 schools⁴.
Consider this: just 29 states and the District of Columbia have laws making teaching sex education mandatory⁵.
So now we’ve established why teaching boundaries and consent is necessary, let’s look at how best to do it.
Pre-school: 5 Simple Ways of Teaching Kids Boundaries
Stephanie Dowd⁶, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, says⁷: “Boundaries are essentially about understanding and respecting our own needs, and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others,”
You can help your daughter express her feelings, set her limits, and be mindful of other people’s feelings and boundaries by teaching empathy, perspective-taking, and self-awareness. Here’s how:
You can help your daughter express her feelings, set her limits, and be mindful of other people’s feelings and boundaries by teaching empathy, perspective-taking, and self-awareness. Here’s how:
1. Help Her Set Boundaries
Roleplaying is an effective way of teaching your daughter how she can stand up for herself. Give examples of boundaries (like saying no to hugs), explain why boundaries are important, and plan what to do if hers aren’t respected.
Practice simple sentences she can use, such as ‘I don’t like that’ and ‘Please stop’ if another child is playing rough or if she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation.
Above all, stress being assertive isn’t the same as being mean.
Practice simple sentences she can use, such as ‘I don’t like that’ and ‘Please stop’ if another child is playing rough or if she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation.
Above all, stress being assertive isn’t the same as being mean.
2. Expressing Emotions Is Fine
Professor Junlei Li⁸ at the Harvard Graduate School of Education says⁹ that teaching children to recognize emotions in themselves can lead them to recognize them in others and assert themselves if hurt.
“If a child is really sad, it’s not uncommon for us to tell them, ‘Don’t cry, it’s not that bad,’ or we try to distract them very quickly, so they don’t focus on the sadness,” he explains⁹. “But expressing a certain amount of sadness or anger is important for learning and development.”
“If a child is really sad, it’s not uncommon for us to tell them, ‘Don’t cry, it’s not that bad,’ or we try to distract them very quickly, so they don’t focus on the sadness,” he explains⁹. “But expressing a certain amount of sadness or anger is important for learning and development.”
3. Focus on Language
Make it easy to set boundaries by using language your daughter can understand, like touch, body, and space.
Also, be direct when talking about her anatomy so she knows there’s nothing shameful about specific body parts.
4. Model Respect for Boundaries
Kids learn by watching, so when interacting with others - always check consent and respect their answers.
5. Don’t Dismiss Her Boundaries
The point about teaching kids boundaries is to say they have agency over their bodies. So when a relative expects a hug, and your daughter doesn’t feel like giving one, respect her choice. Instead of a hug, she can high-five.
Elementary School: 5 Simple Ways of Teaching Kids Consent
With older kids, you can start breaking down the concept of consent and use everyday examples¹⁰. It’s too early to discuss sexual assault, but a conversation about why consent is important provides a good foundation for explaining more complex situations as kids age.
Use the strategies below for guidance:
Use the strategies below for guidance:
1. Explain Consent
Use this handy chart by 3rd-grade teacher Liz Kleinrock¹⁰ to age-appropriately define consent. Or delve deeper with this book¹¹ on boundaries and consent (age 4-10).
2. Ask What She Knows
When you open a dialogue, you may find your daughter considers consent in various situations. Encourage her to think critically and delve into a discussion; she may surprise you with her thoughtful approach.
3. Model Asking for Consent
“When you actively demonstrate respect through your words and actions, they come to expect it throughout their lives.” says12 Jasmin Terrany13, LMHC, psychotherapist, and life coach.
Try asking for her consent when sharing her photo.
Try asking for her consent when sharing her photo.
4. Highlight Nuances
It’s not always clear when someone gives consent, so roleplay nuances in tone of voice.
5. Keep the Conversation Going
Don’t treat a conversation about consent as a one-time-only talk. Instead, discuss it with your daughter whenever you come across something on TV or in books where consent isn’t being sought. Case in point?
Spanish women’s soccer president Luis Rubiales14 unwittingly shone a global spotlight on the importance of consent with his unwanted kiss on player Jenni Hermoso’s mouth.
Explaining consent and boundaries is tricky. Use our expert tips for an ongoing conversation with your daughter to help form the basis for healthy adult relationships as she grows.
Sources:
1: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childsexualabuse/fastfact.html
2: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/consent#:~:text=Consent%20means%20that%20a%20person,a%20defense%20to%20a%20tort.
3: https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf
4: https://openriver.winona.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1177&context=counseloreducationcapstones#:~:text=K%2D12%20Sex%20Education%20Policies&text=According%20to%20the%20Guttmacher%20Institute%20(2022)%2C%2040%20states%20and,(Guttmacher%20Institute%2C%202022).
5: https://siecus.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/2022-Sex-Ed-State-Law-and-Policy-Chart.pdf
6: https://www.newburyportbehavioralhealth.com/about-1-1
7: https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/#:~:text=Practice%20setting%20boundaries,-Learning%20how%20to&text=For%20example%2C%20you%20could%20ask,%E2%80%9CIt's%20my%20turn%20now.%E2%80%9D
8: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/directory/faculty/junlei-li
9: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/18/12/consent-every-age
10: https://www.edutopia.org/article/teaching-consent-elementary-students/
11: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39402657-let-s-talk-about-body-boundaries-consent-and-respect
12: https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/how-to-teach-your-child-about-consent-from-birth/
13: https://www.jasminterrany.com/
14: https://www.theguardian.com/football/2023/aug/21/luis-rubiales-kiss-outrage-spanish-football-fa-president-womens-world-cup-final-spain-jenni-hermoso
2: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/consent#:~:text=Consent%20means%20that%20a%20person,a%20defense%20to%20a%20tort.
3: https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf
4: https://openriver.winona.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1177&context=counseloreducationcapstones#:~:text=K%2D12%20Sex%20Education%20Policies&text=According%20to%20the%20Guttmacher%20Institute%20(2022)%2C%2040%20states%20and,(Guttmacher%20Institute%2C%202022).
5: https://siecus.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/2022-Sex-Ed-State-Law-and-Policy-Chart.pdf
6: https://www.newburyportbehavioralhealth.com/about-1-1
7: https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/#:~:text=Practice%20setting%20boundaries,-Learning%20how%20to&text=For%20example%2C%20you%20could%20ask,%E2%80%9CIt's%20my%20turn%20now.%E2%80%9D
8: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/directory/faculty/junlei-li
9: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/18/12/consent-every-age
10: https://www.edutopia.org/article/teaching-consent-elementary-students/
11: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39402657-let-s-talk-about-body-boundaries-consent-and-respect
12: https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/how-to-teach-your-child-about-consent-from-birth/
13: https://www.jasminterrany.com/
14: https://www.theguardian.com/football/2023/aug/21/luis-rubiales-kiss-outrage-spanish-football-fa-president-womens-world-cup-final-spain-jenni-hermoso
Teaching Girls the Importance of Consent and Boundaries At Any Age
OCTOBER 3RD, 2023
Of all the challenging topics parents aim to tackle with kids, consent is a particularly thorny one.
The legacy of #MeToo has left a strong link between consent and sex in parents’ minds, and while they want to protect children from abuse, they’re also careful not to shatter their innocence.
But considering around 1 in 4 girls¹ are sexually abused, and 91%¹ of perpetrators are someone trusted by the child or their family, it’s hardly surprising experts urge caregivers and teachers to teach consent from an early age.
Does this mean you have to give the ‘talk’? No, experts say teaching (and modeling) healthy boundary setting (in any situation), respect, and empathy will lay the groundwork for kids’ moral compasses.
How? Discover the best way to explain boundaries and consent to kids from preschoolers to tweens with our expert tips below.
The legacy of #MeToo has left a strong link between consent and sex in parents’ minds, and while they want to protect children from abuse, they’re also careful not to shatter their innocence.
But considering around 1 in 4 girls¹ are sexually abused, and 91%¹ of perpetrators are someone trusted by the child or their family, it’s hardly surprising experts urge caregivers and teachers to teach consent from an early age.
Does this mean you have to give the ‘talk’? No, experts say teaching (and modeling) healthy boundary setting (in any situation), respect, and empathy will lay the groundwork for kids’ moral compasses.
How? Discover the best way to explain boundaries and consent to kids from preschoolers to tweens with our expert tips below.
How Do We Define Consent and Boundaries?
Cornell Law School describes² consent as ‘a person voluntarily and willfully agreeing in response to another person’s proposition. The person who consents must possess sufficient mental capacity.’
When we teach consent, it’s helpful to think of it not in terms of sexual activity but in other situations, like playing games, hugging, and sharing pictures or information about somebody.
Think of consent in terms of respecting someone’s boundaries. According to the University of California, Berkeley³, ‘Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.’
Someone with healthy personal boundaries values their opinions, does not over or under share, and, crucially, accepts no from others in response to a request.³
When we teach consent, it’s helpful to think of it not in terms of sexual activity but in other situations, like playing games, hugging, and sharing pictures or information about somebody.
Think of consent in terms of respecting someone’s boundaries. According to the University of California, Berkeley³, ‘Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.’
Someone with healthy personal boundaries values their opinions, does not over or under share, and, crucially, accepts no from others in response to a request.³
Why Are Boundaries Important?
When we teach children how to develop healthy boundaries, they will learn to be safe, keep their dignity, and know why consent is essential in sexual relationships as they age.
Also, it’s worth noting that in the US, each state is in charge of its consent education, and most states do not require teaching consent in K-12 schools⁴.
Consider this: just 29 states and the District of Columbia have laws making teaching sex education mandatory⁵.
So now we’ve established why teaching boundaries and consent is necessary, let’s look at how best to do it.
Also, it’s worth noting that in the US, each state is in charge of its consent education, and most states do not require teaching consent in K-12 schools⁴.
Consider this: just 29 states and the District of Columbia have laws making teaching sex education mandatory⁵.
So now we’ve established why teaching boundaries and consent is necessary, let’s look at how best to do it.
Preschool: 5 Simple Ways of Teaching Kids Boundaries
Stephanie Dowd⁶, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, says⁷: “Boundaries are essentially about understanding and respecting our own needs, and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others,”
You can help your daughter express her feelings, set her limits, and be mindful of other people’s feelings and boundaries by teaching empathy, perspective-taking, and self-awareness. Here’s how.
You can help your daughter express her feelings, set her limits, and be mindful of other people’s feelings and boundaries by teaching empathy, perspective-taking, and self-awareness. Here’s how.
1. Help Her Set Boundaries
Roleplaying is an effective way of teaching your daughter how she can stand up for herself. Give examples of boundaries (like saying no to hugs), explain why boundaries are important, and plan what to do if hers aren’t respected.
Practice simple sentences she can use, such as ‘I don’t like that’ and ‘Please stop’ if another child is playing rough or if she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation.
Above all, stress being assertive isn’t the same as being mean.
Practice simple sentences she can use, such as ‘I don’t like that’ and ‘Please stop’ if another child is playing rough or if she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation.
Above all, stress being assertive isn’t the same as being mean.
2. Expressing Emotions Is Fine
Professor Junlei Li⁸ at the Harvard Graduate School of Education says⁹ that teaching children to recognize emotions in themselves can lead them to recognize them in others and assert themselves if hurt.
“If a child is really sad, it’s not uncommon for us to tell them, ‘Don’t cry, it’s not that bad,’ or we try to distract them very quickly, so they don’t focus on the sadness,” he explains⁹. “But expressing a certain amount of sadness or anger is important for learning and development.”
“If a child is really sad, it’s not uncommon for us to tell them, ‘Don’t cry, it’s not that bad,’ or we try to distract them very quickly, so they don’t focus on the sadness,” he explains⁹. “But expressing a certain amount of sadness or anger is important for learning and development.”
3. Focus on Language
Make it easy to set boundaries by using language your daughter can understand, like touch, body, and space.
Also, be direct when talking about her anatomy so she knows there’s nothing shameful about specific body parts.
Also, be direct when talking about her anatomy so she knows there’s nothing shameful about specific body parts.
4. Model Respect for Boundaries
Kids learn by watching, so when interacting with others - always check consent and respect their answers.
5. Don’t Dismiss Her Boundaries
The point about teaching kids boundaries is to say they have agency over their bodies. So when a relative expects a hug, and your daughter doesn’t feel like giving one, respect her choice. Instead of a hug, she can high-five.
Elementary School: 5 Simple Ways of Teaching Kids Consent
With older kids, you can start breaking down the concept of consent and use everyday examples¹⁰. It’s too early to discuss sexual assault, but a conversation about why consent is important provides a good foundation for explaining more complex situations as kids age.
Use the strategies below for guidance.
Use the strategies below for guidance.
1. Explain Concept
Use this handy chart by 3rd-grade teacher Liz Kleinrock¹⁰ to age-appropriately define consent. Or delve deeper with this book¹¹ on boundaries and consent (age 4-10).
2. Ask What She Knows
When you open a dialogue, you may find your daughter considers consent in various situations. Encourage her to think critically and delve into a discussion; she may surprise you with her thoughtful approach.
3. Model Asking for Consent
“When you actively demonstrate respect through your words and actions, they come to expect it throughout their lives.” says¹² Jasmin Terrany¹³, LMHC, psychotherapist, and life coach.
Try asking for her consent when sharing her photo.
Try asking for her consent when sharing her photo.
4. Highlight Nuances
It’s not always clear when someone gives consent, so roleplay nuances in tone of voice.
5. Keep the Conversation Going
Don’t treat a conversation about consent as a one-time-only talk. Instead, discuss it with your daughter whenever you come across something on TV or in books where consent isn’t being sought. Case in point?
Spanish women’s soccer president Luis Rubiales¹⁴ unwittingly shone a global spotlight on the importance of consent with his unwanted kiss on player Jenni Hermoso’s mouth.
Spanish women’s soccer president Luis Rubiales¹⁴ unwittingly shone a global spotlight on the importance of consent with his unwanted kiss on player Jenni Hermoso’s mouth.
Explaining consent and boundaries is tricky. Use our expert tips for an ongoing conversation with your daughter to help form the basis for healthy adult relationships as she grows.
Sources:
1: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childsexualabuse/fastfact.html
2: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/consent#:~:text=Consent%20means%20that%20a%20person,a%20defense%20to%20a%20tort.
3: https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf
4: https://openriver.winona.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1177&context=counseloreducationcapstones#:~:text=K%2D12%20Sex%20Education%20Policies&text=According%20to%20the%20Guttmacher%20Institute%20(2022)%2C%2040%20states%20and,(Guttmacher%20Institute%2C%202022).
5: https://siecus.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/2022-Sex-Ed-State-Law-and-Policy-Chart.pdf
6: https://www.newburyportbehavioralhealth.com/about-1-1
7: https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/#:~:text=Practice%20setting%20boundaries,-Learning%20how%20to&text=For%20example%2C%20you%20could%20ask,%E2%80%9CIt's%20my%20turn%20now.%E2%80%9D
8: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/directory/faculty/junlei-li
9: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/18/12/consent-every-age
10: https://www.edutopia.org/article/teaching-consent-elementary-students/
11: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39402657-let-s-talk-about-body-boundaries-consent-and-respect
12: https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/how-to-teach-your-child-about-consent-from-birth/
13: https://www.jasminterrany.com/
14: https://www.theguardian.com/football/2023/aug/21/luis-rubiales-kiss-outrage-spanish-football-fa-president-womens-world-cup-final-spain-jenni-hermoso
2: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/consent#:~:text=Consent%20means%20that%20a%20person,a%20defense%20to%20a%20tort.
3: https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf
4: https://openriver.winona.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1177&context=counseloreducationcapstones#:~:text=K%2D12%20Sex%20Education%20Policies&text=According%20to%20the%20Guttmacher%20Institute%20(2022)%2C%2040%20states%20and,(Guttmacher%20Institute%2C%202022).
5: https://siecus.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/2022-Sex-Ed-State-Law-and-Policy-Chart.pdf
6: https://www.newburyportbehavioralhealth.com/about-1-1
7: https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/#:~:text=Practice%20setting%20boundaries,-Learning%20how%20to&text=For%20example%2C%20you%20could%20ask,%E2%80%9CIt's%20my%20turn%20now.%E2%80%9D
8: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/directory/faculty/junlei-li
9: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/18/12/consent-every-age
10: https://www.edutopia.org/article/teaching-consent-elementary-students/
11: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39402657-let-s-talk-about-body-boundaries-consent-and-respect
12: https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/how-to-teach-your-child-about-consent-from-birth/
13: https://www.jasminterrany.com/
14: https://www.theguardian.com/football/2023/aug/21/luis-rubiales-kiss-outrage-spanish-football-fa-president-womens-world-cup-final-spain-jenni-hermoso